OK, So I'm Not as Calm as I Thought

Blair came home today with the info on the health plans that will be available to him October 1st (we're on COBRA now).  He went to ask HR about including Alex when he signs up but it opened up a little can of worms.  He'd originally planned to go with the least expensive option, but with my diagnosis, that would end up costing us a bundle.  But the next option is so much more expensive, that Blair was talking about needing to go into his 401K to make ends meet.  For some reason that hit me right in the gut and I was terrified.


We've lost so much already (closing the store, declaring bankruptcy).  We'll only be able to stay in the house as long as the lawyer can hold off the banks.  I don't have a job; I don't have the intestinal fortitude to work full time in another state and undergo treatment away from my family; and my income earning potential is small here in CT.  And Blair's 401k isn't bottomless.  And it occurred to me the other day that I can't put off a will any longer - and I need to think about advanced directives (ulp).


A group of friends were talking about what kinds of invalids we are.  I tend to keep going to work when I'm sick until I can't take it any more (probably too long).  But when I finally allow myself to take off, I like to get set up on the couch with all the remotes and phones close to hand, cuddly blankets and comfort food, books and the dog.  I tend to feel sorry for myself, and I'm a bit of a whiner sometimes.  Most of all, I hate hate hate throwing up.  It's absolutely the worst.  I'm really afraid of chemo in that respect.


And my surgeon just called and they want to do an MRI guided biopsy on the left on Friday

Today's Appointment

One of the doctors is unavailable today (I'm thinking it's the radiologist), so rather than having the scan today and having to come back for any biopsies, my appointment was rescheduled to tomorrow morning.  I'm a little relieved.  I wasn't looking forward to the pain afterward.  Parts of me look like an eggplant.

Wanna Hear Something Weird?

I've been waking up happy.


I didn't sleep at all the night of the biopsy because I'd been doped up and slept all day, and I was up a couple of hours the next night, but since then I've been sleeping like a log and waking up in a good mood. At first I thought I was in shock and things hadn't sunk in, but that should have worn off by now.


I think it's waking up next to Blair every morning and knowing the boys are both just down the hall, that's making me so happy. Waking up knowing I fell right asleep and didn't notice waking up again is also happy-making.



We did Dan's back to school shopping yesterday, Daniel got size 9 1/2 shoes for heaven's sake! He also got a fedora and he's totally rocking it, especially when he's got his sunglasses on. He now has enough snarky t-shirts to last a whole week.


I'm enjoying the nook. Blair and I picked it up Friday and I returned the books I had bought earlier in the week and re-bought them electronically. I added a bunch of free books and a couple of others I've been wanting, and then added something to my wish list.


We were headed to Target yesterday when we passed Borders. I had been looking for a cancer cookbook (I've started eating healthier and picked up a veggie steamer for the microwave) and they didn't have any in stock at B&N. While I was tying to decide between the two, I used the 3G to check if either of them was available for the nook. They weren't but it was so cool to be able to check. There was another interesting book that I added to the wishlist.(I'm liking that feature! I can keep track of interesting books without actually having to buy them at the time - it was kind of a little revelation to me that I didn't have to spend a lot of money on books right this minute because they might no be available when I get around to them.)


Dan was all excited to find out that there was supposed to be a Hunger Games event starting in a few minutes, so we hung around.  Nothing happened so Dan asked.  Turns out that they didn't start because they didn't think anyone was interested, so they made an announcement and held it just for Dan! He and two employees had a discussion. He bought the next two books and got an autograph and bookmark for participating.



Alex is off work at 3:30 so I'll be able to have birthday dinner with all my guys on my actual birthday! And it's never ending pasta bowl time at Olive Garden.

I Need More Tests

I had my MRI this morning. I had a couple of Xanax beforehand so there was no anxiety and I kinda zoned out at one point. I was most afraid of the contrast dye, worried about it burning or making me ill, but the tech reassured me. It just felt kinda cold when in went in. The noise wasn't that bad either, and they gave me earplugs.

Afterwards, B and I had Thai for lunch, then went up to Barnes and Noble for a nook for my birthday. We're thinking that if I need chemo, I'll be doing a lot of sitting around, and an eBook would be easier to tote around than multiple books.  We went for the 4G model because I can shop for and buy books wherever I'm at (including the hospital.)  It's charging now - whoo hoo. I returned some books that I bought last week, so I can get them on the nook instead.

While we were at the checkout at Staples I got a call from my doctor. She said the radiologist looking at the MRI saw something in a different part of the right breast and another something in the left that they want to take closer looks at. I have an appointment Monday at 1:15 to have some ultrasound and mammographic scans, and may have biopsies too. 


I'm not thrilled that there may be more than one in there.

Stupid Stupid Cat

It was positive.



I'm having the genetic testing tomorrow - it takes 7 business days to get the result. If I have the gene mutation, I should probably have a double mastectomy, otherwise something less invasive. Probably chemo either way, just a question of how much, depending on the genetic testing and a more detailed report from the biopsy (genetic results on the cancer itself).


I have an MRI scheduled for Friday morning. I could opt for a lumpectomy without waiting for the genetic results, but it seems a little silly to go through that when I might have to have more radical surgery anyway.

Opening the Box

Saw the surgeon this morning.  She wanted to do a mammographic guided biopsy at the hospital at 2pm.


It was more uncomfortable and more intrusive this time. I'm feeling a bit weepy and traumatized and violated right now (despite a couple of xanax before the procedure). Blair and Dan and Dumbledore are taking care of me with ice cream and tylenol and a puppy pedicure. (A puppy pedicure is having one's toes and feet licked by tiny puppy tongue. Luckily Dumbly doesn't slobber but has a nice dry little tongue. :-)  )


The surgeon should have the results tomorrow afternoon.

That Stupid Cat is Back in the Box

I went this morning for a 6 month follow up mammogram. It was just supposed to be an ultrasound, but I'm dense, so they took a bunch of films too. Then they took me to a little room with two comfy chairs in it. The radiologist explained it as dotting Is and crossing Ts, but that what they were seeing on the scans didn't mesh with the results of the biopsy and that I should see the surgeon again for another biopsy. I have an appointment for Monday morning.