On Shyness

Are we born shy or do we learn it?

At some point I must have been fearless. Mom tells the store of my stage debut as Snow White. Having taken a bite of the poisoned apple, I was laying across several small chairs (which were standing in for dwarvish beds,) when I happened to fall off. Eyes still closed, I climbed back into my "bed," dignity intact.

But by the time I'd reached 4th or 5th grade, I was shy. I was also introverted, gaining energy by time spent on my own, uncomfortable in crowds, preferring a good book to any outdoor activity. Who's to say which is chicken and which egg, but at the time I also became the target of bullies. After that sort of thing, it's difficult to trust. Any overture of friendship may be a trap, a set up for a joke where you are the punchline.

I'm less wary now, more open to forming new friendships, but still prefer solitude or small groups to crowds. I knew this would be something I'd need to deal with in my new adventure, but hoped that being the hostess as it were would increase my comfort level. But there's still a part of me that feels the outsider, who doesn't want to intrude on a group having fun. How silly it is to still have these fears at 45. When does the fearless older woman appear who isn't intimidated by anything, who speaks her mind and enjoys herself - damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead?

Well, she did go to graduate school and take voice and ballroom dancing lessons, and leave her former career behind to dive into unfamiliar waters. Maybe she's here already and I just haven't noticed yet?