Indignity

I've decided that we have to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans this year, because I can now take my top off in front of anyone without flinching.

Loooooving My Nook

I'm really enjoying my nook. Whenever I'm reading, Blair looks over and sarcastically apologizes for getting me such a sucky present. It's actually in his top 3 or 4 - with the Star Trek lunch box and the BE-MEUP license plate. I get pleasure out of it every day.

One of my favorite authors came out with a new book and I >had< to read it in paper form (it's a keeper) - that was weird!

I just found out that Analog and Asimov's magazines are offered by subscription to the nook (and the kindle). I let my subscriptions lapse several years ago - but I'm thinking about them again; so many of the award winning short SF stories get published in those 2 magazines.

Today was a nice day. 


We took Dumble to the vet (he got shots, but he needs steroids for skin inflammation and to have his teeth cleaned and some removed. Maybe they have a payment plan for the teeth cleaning?) 


I had my yoga class at the hospital from 10 to 11 or so (there's chatting afterwards), then I went to my local salon and had a mani-pedi (shimmery dark red - ooh la la) and an eyebrow wax. 


Then there was a presentation back at the hospital (called Look Good ... Feel Better) where I got a goody bag of makeup and stuff and a cookie. 


Then I ran downstairs for my 2pm radiation treatment and was able to move my appointment for the Friday after Thanksgiving to right after yoga so I don't have to make 2 trips to the hospital. 


And now I'm home with all my guys and my puppy.

Today was my second day of radiation and tonight was the BC support group. The gals at the group were very emphatic that I should be slathering on the lotion I was given samples of, especially since I am fair.

Yesterday afternoon, Blair and I were puttering around the house and I started to feel shaky and emotional. It was weird because my conscious mind was not nervous at all. Afterwards I calmed down but felt pretty wrung out. (I fell pretty wrung out most of the time actually).

After my treatment, I chatted a moment with the lady whose appointment is after mine (we recognized each other from yesterday.) She said even when things are going well, and the outlook is good, it will hit you what you're dealing with.

There's job I could have if I were willing to relocate to Chicago right now (assuming I could pass the security clearance). With Blair losing his job, I felt really pressured to take it. I'd been stewing about it for a couple of days, and Blair and I were sitting on the couch together (me computering and he reading), and I started sobbing. I can't go through it again. It was hard enough the first two times (and I had my aunt for the last one). I need my family and they need me. 

Yesterday, Daniel sat next to me for a bit, leaning against my shoulder as we played Bookworm on my ipod together. He told me he was so happy I was home, and I kissed the top of his head. Even if I wasn't sick I don't think I could do it, it sucks the life and energy right out of me and I have nothing to give to my job.

Freshman Forum on Underage Drinking

There was a required meeting at school this evening. Half the kids in the auditorium and half in the gymnasium, and the speakers were going back and forth to speak in both venues. There was a doctor to speak about the physical effects of binge drinking (liver damage, accidents, etc), a cop talking about having to tell parents their kids were dead, a man who had killed his stepbrother while driving drunk, and a mom who had lost her son. The cop also talked about an anonymous tip line (to report parties with alcohol) and calling your folks when you find yourself in a situation and need to get out (and telling the parents not to punish the kid if he calls in that situation).

I went in thinking it would be lame, but it was very affecting. Daniel thought it was a good presentation as well, and we had a nice talk afterward. They've been doing this for 5 years now and they've been surveying the kids about drinking and supposedly these lectures have had a positive effect.

Radiation

My radiation starts next Monday - every day for 6.5 weeks. I'm to expect fatigue and possible redness and or swelling.

It's 3.7 miles and takes about 10 minutes to get there. :-)

This is the same hospital Daniel was born in and my grandmother was a volunteer there for many years and was once their volunteer of the year.

It's a really nice place - the cancer center is very restful and reassuring 

And it turns out that my brother has participated in the Swim Across The Sound (from Port Jefferson on Long Island to Bridgeport) and has swum the whole way a couple of times. The Swim is what paid for the SWIM Center and pays for a lot of the services for patients (like the classes and massages).

Good News

I got a call from the oncologist. The oncotype test came back with a very low score for recurrence (8 out of 100). This means there's no need for chemo. Next step is to see him to work out a treatment plan, and get started with radiation.


The additional scan was a bone density scan, for a base line so they can keep track of the density as I take tamoxifen or whatever for the next several years.

Support

There's so much cool support type stuff for breast cancer patients at my hospital. I've been to 2 (very gentle) yoga classes so far, and today I went to a session about post-operative stuff and afterwards to a support group that meets twice a month. The yoga teacher told me about free massage therapy and I'm waiting for the callback from the gal who's setting me up.

The ladies at the support group were lovely.

Oncologist

This morning, a friend stopped by with yummy donuts and muffins and we had a nice chat. She even got to meet my Mom who came to pick me up to take me to the oncologist (Blair met us there, his work is across the street from the hospital). It was wonderful to see my friend and she looks terrific.

I'm still pretty sore from the surgery and plenty bruised up too. I had a bad reaction to the tape and have blisters around the edges of where it was. I now have something to remember when I'm asked about allergies to medications, etc (tegaderm?).

We had a long talk with the doctor - I really liked his manner and personality. He gave us a little biology lesson about cancer and breast cancer in particular, and what they know so far about mine. Unfortunately, they don't have the pathology report from the lumpectomy yet, so there isn't a concrete plan yet. There will definitely be radiation, most probably tamoxifen for several years after my treatment is complete, and there's about it seemed a 40% chance that he will recommend chemo as well. He explained everything very clearly but not at all in a condescending way. I feel really comfortable with him. His office is contacting my surgeon about getting the reports from the lumpectomy when they are available, and there is a test he wants performed on the tumor, if Dr Ward hasn't already ordered it. So it may be a couple of weeks more until we have all the information we need to make a plan going forward.

Mom and I went to lunch afterwards and it was nice to chat (although it was more like verbal diarrhea on my part and listening on hers - thanks Mom!) Now I'm back home with my puppy sleeping by my feet, and I need to call the surgeon and see if I'm allowed to drive and if it's OK to go to the yoga class at the cancer center tomorrow.

Surgery

We were at the hospital from 8:00 till after 5:00. They feel they were able to get good margins when they removed the cancer but won't know until they get the pathologist report on Thursday.

Yoga at the Swim Center

This morning I made it to the free yoga class at the hospital. It was lovely and the teacher (and the other participants) was really nice and sweet. At the end, she recited something while we all tried to meditate, and I felt a little teary. Another gal started to cry (it turned out she'd had to put her dog to sleep last night). I went over to tell her I'd started to cry to (so she wouldn't feel weird) and she told me about her dog, and the next thing I know I'm rubbing her arms and giving her hugs. I felt so badly for her loss.

Another lady, with sparse white hair, was looking at these cute little knitted caps the teacher had (kind of a flapper style with a big knitted flower) and admiring a tan one. When she asked how much they were (she wanted something warmer than a ball cap for the winter) the teacher told her folks at her church had knitted them and they were free. By this time, there's just me, the teacher, the crying lady and her husband, and the hat lady. The teacher was asking about the surgery, and saying she'd be thinking of me, and then offered me a shawl that was also knit by ladies from her church. It's a cream tweedy yarn with earthy shades of pink and lavender (it's really lovely), and it came with a poem. She put it over my shoulders and had the other ladies touch my back while I closed my eyes and she read the poem. I got a little teary again, but it was very sweet. Then they all wished me luck, and reassured me I'd be calmer once I had the surgery and the results and a plan.

Afterward, I went to the mall, picked up prescriptions at Target, had lunch and picked up a couple of CDs and a new pair of cozy PJs. Then I went to a nail salon and had a mani-pedi and a little massage. I feel quite a bit calmer than I did this morning. We're going to have to get up pretty early tomorrow to get to Greenwich by 8. The xanax helped last night, I had a good night - hopefully I'll sleep tonight as well.

Dumbledore is much better, he's off the meds and back to his old self, frisky and silly. He was savaging a rubber chicken this morning. (I love when he has something in his mouth and whips his head back and forth - he's such a nut). He's also been extra cuddly lately.

Freak Out

So I burned my hand on the oven rack last night (no more pain by this AM, but a small blister, so nothing major) and the next thing I know I'm having a full blown freak out, crying and shaking, right before Blair had to leave for chorus rehearsal. I think I'm most worried about the financial situation - and it's not completely dire, at worst we'd have to put most of our stuff in storage and rent until we figure out where we're going next, which we could swing on Blair's salary and my unemployment. But it felt last night like I was poised at the edge of a deep dark hole.

Blair comforted me and I knew I could have asked him to stay home, but this is his one leisure activity and he needs a break (and it felt nice knowing I could ask him.) By the time he got home, I felt better - I think it helped to let off some steam.

This morning I had a chat with the hospital. I had thought they were billing me because they didn't have the correct insurance info for September. Turns out all the bills were for events in August and they'd already been submitted to the correct insurance, so they were for our share of the bills. Ugh.

I had to run down to Greenwich this afternoon to drop off my films with my surgeon. (It took about an hour each way with traffic). They gave me the lowdown on where and when, and when to stop eating, etc. The upcoming surgery is getting more real.

I had lunch with a friend this afternoon - we ended up chatting for like 2 and a half hours. That was really nice.

I have to be at the hospital at 8AM on Friday for the thing with the dye to find the sentinel nodes. Then I get to wait around until noon or so for the actual surgery, and we'll be going home right afterward. I asked if I could take a xanax that morning, but she said no, but that they'll give me some sort of sedative before the thing with the dye (that's actually bothering me more than the surgery). The whole idea icks me out.

She offered to schedule me tomorrow for the dye thing, but I wanted Blair to be there with me without having to take the time off, so that's why everything is getting done on Friday.

After spending yesterday in my pajamas, and napping a lot, I was out most of the day (between lunch and the drive to Greenwich) so there was no napping today. I was thinking of taking a xanax at bedtime tonight (and tomorrow night too) so I can hopefully sleep well and avoid napping tomorrow. There's a yoga class at the hospital at 10 tomorrow that I want to go to - I've got to stop vegetating on my couch all day.