OK, So I'm Not as Calm as I Thought

Blair came home today with the info on the health plans that will be available to him October 1st (we're on COBRA now).  He went to ask HR about including Alex when he signs up but it opened up a little can of worms.  He'd originally planned to go with the least expensive option, but with my diagnosis, that would end up costing us a bundle.  But the next option is so much more expensive, that Blair was talking about needing to go into his 401K to make ends meet.  For some reason that hit me right in the gut and I was terrified.


We've lost so much already (closing the store, declaring bankruptcy).  We'll only be able to stay in the house as long as the lawyer can hold off the banks.  I don't have a job; I don't have the intestinal fortitude to work full time in another state and undergo treatment away from my family; and my income earning potential is small here in CT.  And Blair's 401k isn't bottomless.  And it occurred to me the other day that I can't put off a will any longer - and I need to think about advanced directives (ulp).


A group of friends were talking about what kinds of invalids we are.  I tend to keep going to work when I'm sick until I can't take it any more (probably too long).  But when I finally allow myself to take off, I like to get set up on the couch with all the remotes and phones close to hand, cuddly blankets and comfort food, books and the dog.  I tend to feel sorry for myself, and I'm a bit of a whiner sometimes.  Most of all, I hate hate hate throwing up.  It's absolutely the worst.  I'm really afraid of chemo in that respect.


And my surgeon just called and they want to do an MRI guided biopsy on the left on Friday

Today's Appointment

One of the doctors is unavailable today (I'm thinking it's the radiologist), so rather than having the scan today and having to come back for any biopsies, my appointment was rescheduled to tomorrow morning.  I'm a little relieved.  I wasn't looking forward to the pain afterward.  Parts of me look like an eggplant.

Wanna Hear Something Weird?

I've been waking up happy.


I didn't sleep at all the night of the biopsy because I'd been doped up and slept all day, and I was up a couple of hours the next night, but since then I've been sleeping like a log and waking up in a good mood. At first I thought I was in shock and things hadn't sunk in, but that should have worn off by now.


I think it's waking up next to Blair every morning and knowing the boys are both just down the hall, that's making me so happy. Waking up knowing I fell right asleep and didn't notice waking up again is also happy-making.



We did Dan's back to school shopping yesterday, Daniel got size 9 1/2 shoes for heaven's sake! He also got a fedora and he's totally rocking it, especially when he's got his sunglasses on. He now has enough snarky t-shirts to last a whole week.


I'm enjoying the nook. Blair and I picked it up Friday and I returned the books I had bought earlier in the week and re-bought them electronically. I added a bunch of free books and a couple of others I've been wanting, and then added something to my wish list.


We were headed to Target yesterday when we passed Borders. I had been looking for a cancer cookbook (I've started eating healthier and picked up a veggie steamer for the microwave) and they didn't have any in stock at B&N. While I was tying to decide between the two, I used the 3G to check if either of them was available for the nook. They weren't but it was so cool to be able to check. There was another interesting book that I added to the wishlist.(I'm liking that feature! I can keep track of interesting books without actually having to buy them at the time - it was kind of a little revelation to me that I didn't have to spend a lot of money on books right this minute because they might no be available when I get around to them.)


Dan was all excited to find out that there was supposed to be a Hunger Games event starting in a few minutes, so we hung around.  Nothing happened so Dan asked.  Turns out that they didn't start because they didn't think anyone was interested, so they made an announcement and held it just for Dan! He and two employees had a discussion. He bought the next two books and got an autograph and bookmark for participating.



Alex is off work at 3:30 so I'll be able to have birthday dinner with all my guys on my actual birthday! And it's never ending pasta bowl time at Olive Garden.

I Need More Tests

I had my MRI this morning. I had a couple of Xanax beforehand so there was no anxiety and I kinda zoned out at one point. I was most afraid of the contrast dye, worried about it burning or making me ill, but the tech reassured me. It just felt kinda cold when in went in. The noise wasn't that bad either, and they gave me earplugs.

Afterwards, B and I had Thai for lunch, then went up to Barnes and Noble for a nook for my birthday. We're thinking that if I need chemo, I'll be doing a lot of sitting around, and an eBook would be easier to tote around than multiple books.  We went for the 4G model because I can shop for and buy books wherever I'm at (including the hospital.)  It's charging now - whoo hoo. I returned some books that I bought last week, so I can get them on the nook instead.

While we were at the checkout at Staples I got a call from my doctor. She said the radiologist looking at the MRI saw something in a different part of the right breast and another something in the left that they want to take closer looks at. I have an appointment Monday at 1:15 to have some ultrasound and mammographic scans, and may have biopsies too. 


I'm not thrilled that there may be more than one in there.

Stupid Stupid Cat

It was positive.



I'm having the genetic testing tomorrow - it takes 7 business days to get the result. If I have the gene mutation, I should probably have a double mastectomy, otherwise something less invasive. Probably chemo either way, just a question of how much, depending on the genetic testing and a more detailed report from the biopsy (genetic results on the cancer itself).


I have an MRI scheduled for Friday morning. I could opt for a lumpectomy without waiting for the genetic results, but it seems a little silly to go through that when I might have to have more radical surgery anyway.

Opening the Box

Saw the surgeon this morning.  She wanted to do a mammographic guided biopsy at the hospital at 2pm.


It was more uncomfortable and more intrusive this time. I'm feeling a bit weepy and traumatized and violated right now (despite a couple of xanax before the procedure). Blair and Dan and Dumbledore are taking care of me with ice cream and tylenol and a puppy pedicure. (A puppy pedicure is having one's toes and feet licked by tiny puppy tongue. Luckily Dumbly doesn't slobber but has a nice dry little tongue. :-)  )


The surgeon should have the results tomorrow afternoon.

That Stupid Cat is Back in the Box

I went this morning for a 6 month follow up mammogram. It was just supposed to be an ultrasound, but I'm dense, so they took a bunch of films too. Then they took me to a little room with two comfy chairs in it. The radiologist explained it as dotting Is and crossing Ts, but that what they were seeing on the scans didn't mesh with the results of the biopsy and that I should see the surgeon again for another biopsy. I have an appointment for Monday morning.

The Rest of the Road Trip

The rest of the trip was moms, moms, moms!  I'm on an email list with moms of kids who were due in March of 1996.  We've been together close to 15 years now.  Saturday, we had lunch with a North Carolina mom, then stayed over with another.  Sunday was lunch with 2 North Carolina moms, then staying over with a Virginia mom.  Monday we were going to see the Air and Space museum in DC, but PetSmart couldn't board Dumble without a kennel cough vaccination, which he's never had.  So we had lunch in a restaurant with outdoor seating, then puttered around a bit before visiting a mom in Maryland for dinner, before heading over to another mom's for the night.  After a wonderful sticky bun breakfast, we headed to northwestern New Jersey for lunch with another mom before heading home.  It was wonderful to sleep in my very own bed last night, next to my very own husband.  My entire family - including Alex - was sleeping under the very same roof last night.  I am a very contented woman.

It's a Crazy Town Full of Neon Dreams

Yesterday was all driving.  From Lawrence, Kansas to Madisonville, KY (about 2 hours outside of Nashville.)  Today was a lot more fun.  We drove into Nashville and spent the day at the Country Music Hall of Fame, including a tour of the famous RCA Studio B where Elvis recorded for many years.  Dumble hung out in his backpack while we enjoyed the museum.  Then another 2 hours to Crossville, TN for the night.

Whoo Hoo!

This morning, we were up fairly early to hit the car audio place before it opened - I wanted to be first in line.  Less than 2 hours later, we left with functionign XM in the new car.  They even had a gizmo to connect the XM to the antenna rather than bradcasting an FM signal.  The sound is fabulous and less likely to get stepped on by local FM stations (nothing at all interfered today).  Then we stopped at Target for snacks and beverages and got some ice for the cooler.

Back to the dealer to pick up the plates from the old car - I had forgotten that we probably have to turn them back in in CT in order to get the car off the books.  On the way out of town, we got drive-through lunch.  It's now 1AM on Wednesday.  I think our GPS sent us a round-about route that added over an hour to our trip, but we're here.


Tomorrow, the plan is to visit the Boot Hill Museum and then "get outta Dodge" and head to a friend's in Lawrence.

Quietly Celebrating

I don't want to get too excited because we could still run into trouble tomorrow.

Today we picked up my new car.  It's a 2001 Toyota Sienna (see it here), and we got a really good deal on it.  Dan and I got up relatively early, ate breakfast at IHOP (Dan is loving the Minion-ade) and went to the dealer.  We finished asked them to give the car the once-over, checking fluids and belts and such to make sure it was OK for the drive to CT (we bought it wholesale, so that stuff hadn't been done yet.)  While they worked on it, Dan and I went to the bank to get a cashier's check for the balance.  After the car was officially mine, Dan got to bang a huge Chinese gong and everyone applauded.

Next up was to take the car to a car audio place to have the XM installed.  (I will not under any circumstances drove cross-country without my XM (and AC, but that's another story).  The car would not have been ready until 7, and I had other things to do, so I plan to show up first thing tomorrow morning and hopefully be out of there fairly early.  We have no stops to make, so as long as we make Dodge City by bedtime, I'll be happy; it could take until 2 and we'd still be OK.

Next up was the U-Haul place.  I need a trailer because the Sienna's interior volume is less than that of the Previa.  They had the trailer I'd reserved, but didn't have the right size thingy that holds the ball that goes into the square part of the hitch on the car.  Dan and I went across town to pick up the thingy and the ball.  We hit Sonic afterwards, then headed back to U-Haul.  The young man went to hitch up the trailer and found that there was no electrical hook up for the lights on the trailer, and it's illegal to tow a trailer without it.  The good news, he was able to install that and had the parts.  The other gentleman told me I was lucky the younger guy was there, because we wouldn't have been able to get it done at any of the U-Haul places (I guess the kid was the only one in the whole city working today that could do it?)

Dan and I climbed up on a pile of boxes to wait, me knitting and he reading his summer reading book, to wait.  Less than an hour later we were on our way back to the dealership with the trailer in tow.  My old car was in a service bay since it was incapable of being moved, and they drove my new car and trailer into the bay area so Dan and I could transfer my belongings.

We got most everything into the trailer, leaving the car for our day-to-day luggage, and double and triple checked to old car to make sure we had everything.  Even so, I almost left my garage door opener on the visor.  We're both hot and sticky, but it's done!  Dan cleaned up a bit and is going to jump in the pool for a bit.  I plan to shower and change into my jammies after his swim.  The audio place opens at 9, so we're going to leave here no later than 8.  I plan to be first on line.

Twisty

I might be getting a new (to me) car instead.